World Cup Qatar will be Fyre Fest 2.0
The greatest world tournament is less than a week away and with all the reports coming from Qatar it sounds like hell on Earth.
32 countries are about to embark on a month long tournament to see who has the best soccer team in the world. With said tournament fans from all around the world come to the host site to party their faces off, embracing the country of food, drink and drugs of choice.
But Qatar and Fifa are waiving their Mutombo finger and saying no no no. Here is a quick guide from the Bottom of the Totempole of dumb geography.
Qatar is a shiekdom that occupies a promontory of the Arabian peninsula on the western coast of the Persian Gulf. They are the third richest country in the world due to their major oil exporting. They also have very strict Muslim law that every person visiting to watch their team must abide by or face prison or worse. Here are some of the rules and makes you wonder how much money Qatar gave to Fifa for this Cup and the shit show that will be.
All pregnant women that are attending must/should bring a marriage certificate, if caught talking to another man that isn’t your husband, you’ll be arrested.
Alcohol- the only place you can buy Budweiser is at the stadium, they will determine how much you can have and immediately after the game you must go to a drunk tent (even if you aren’t drunk, just having a beer you will be put in the tent) and you can not leave until they think you are sober. Public intoxication results in fines and prison.
Drugs- absolutely, positively not. Drugs are bad mmmkay. If caught with any amount of drugs it is punishable by death. So Bill, don’t go.
Sex- you are not allowed to talk to the opposite sex or show any public display of affection. However unmarried people can hook up in hotel rooms just don’t be doing it on the streets or you will be fined or arrested. Also, homosexuals are prohibited. Any same couple PDA is punishable by death.
Dress code- follow the muslim rule of law for this. No revealing clothes, which means I would be fully out. If a woman with large breasts can’t display them in the way they want, I have no desire to step foot in your country.
No swearing or flipping people off. Basically if you are caught flipping someone off, or heard swearing you’ll be arrested.
What type of event is this?! I don’t think I have gone to a single sporting event without breaking one of those rules. But, if you think you can handle all that take a gander at the Fifa village.
For the very reasonable price of $200 a day you get to stay in a shipping container, in the middle of the desert.
The last reports coming out are that Fifa has sent a letter to every team attending the games basically saying “Don’t talk about how shitty it is here and don’t talk about the way the culture sucks over here. Tell everyone you are happy to be here and this place is awesome.” Fuck Fifa and fuck Sepp Blatter for getting the games in Qatar.