The Best Trend in Football: The New England Patriots Reject Male Feminity
The 2024 New England Patriots Campaign if anything has been eventful. We saw the benching of day one starter Jacoby Brissett to make way for the new hotness, Drake Maye. We have all the storylines associated with the Mayo/Wolf regime as they cut their teeth in the league. The off field drama with Peppers and Baremore, the on field drama with the wide receivers. We haven't gotten the wins yet, but the season has given us headlines. In our humble opinion at the Simple Minds Sports Show there is one trend that has gone woefully under reported. We'll dig into for you because the big J's won't. Because they're pussies. We couldn't sleep at night knowing that the fans aren't fully informed about their beloved Patriots.
What is the Best Trend in Football you ask?
It is this. The Patriots play their best against looking lesbian looking quarterbacks.
I have the stats to back it up. Mayo and company really dial up the intensity against the lesbians. If you've been paying attention to our Monday Snap Shot's you're already in the know here. You're welcome. Joe Burrow started the trend. The Patriot’s season opening victory was coupled with the beginning of his transition. That planted the seed in our minds. Ellen, I mean, Joe's worst performance of the season came in that first game vs. the Patriots. Now, if you're going to tell me it was just because it was his first game coming back from an injury I would say you’re an idiot and you don't understand patterns in nature. Certainly, you're no Charles Darwin. Many have called me the Charles Darwin of obscure inappropriate football to lesbian analogies. I’m a social scientist of the highest regard in this very narrow field, so listen up.
Like in any scientific experiment you need a constant and a variable. The non Lesbian Quarterbacked teams will be our constant. The Lesbians will be our variable. We all know the Patriots have struggled on defense this year. There has been a noticeable decline in on field production from 2023. When the Pats play a non lesbian looking QB this season; it hasn't gone well. Here's the stats.
NON LESBIAN LOOKING QUARERTBACK PERFORMANCES:
135/202 66% 244.5 yards 2.5 TD's per game on average
Geno Smith (Loss) - Week 2 33/44 327 yards 1 TD
Aaron Rodgers (Loss)- Week 3 27/35 281 Yards 2 TD
Tyler Huntley (Loss)- Week 5 18/31 194 1 INT ***OUTLIER*** could be a downlow lesbo. Someone should look into this.
CJ Stroud (Loss) - Week 6 20/31 192 yards. 3 TD 1 INT
Aaron Rodgers (WIN) - Week 8 17/28 233 yards 2 TD
Mason Rudolph (Loss) - Week 9 20/33 240 yards 2 TD 1 INT
However when the Pats play . . .
LESBIAN LOOKING QUARTERBACKS - 67/106 63% 191 yards .5 TD per game on average
Joe Burrow (WIN)- week 1 vs Pats 21/29 164 yards
Brock Purdy (Loss) -week 4 vs Pats 15/27 288 yards 1 TD 1 INT
Caleb Williams (WIN)- week 10 10 16/30 120 yards
Trevor Lawrence (Loss)- week 7 15/20 193 yards
It's awesome right?!
The numbers don't lie. But, the question is why? ((Nice rhyme. (Thank you.)) Are Jerod Mayo and Demarcus Covington doing this on purpose? Are the players dialing it up more? Also, how much fatter has the BOTPOD gotten? We need the big J's to step up here and do some investigating. We can only do so much. We’re very busy.
PSA: Don’t get your panties in a bunch here. I think legally everyone has to say "“this is for entertainment purposes only” because the internet has ruined people’s brains and sense of humor. But look, we observe and report. We don’t make the news or rules folks. Let’s just keep our eyes peeled on this trend as we move into the home stretch of the season.
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