America not only got a new President today, they got a new Dad.

Phillip Rivers has officially retired. For any of you living under a rock, Ole Philly Fertile has nine kids. NINE Fucking kids. The only reason to have 9 kids is if you are living on a farm in the 1800s for child labor knowing 1 or 2 of ‘em are going to get picked of by the sniffles or scorned natives.

None the less, Phillip and his wife of 20 years Tiffany of nine kids. Enough to field the offensive side of the ball. And now with Rivers retiring he will have ample time to be more than a Dad who helicopters in for dinner after films sessions. He can be a full time Daddy to Halle, Caroline, Grace, Sarah, Rebecca, Clare and their ninth child, Anna, Gunner and Peter, AND America. Come on Dad! Teach us all how to fire the pig skin with out actually using our shoulder!

Wait what’s that? He already has a head coaching job at a private high school? That was quick. Let’s be honest, who the shit wants to stay at home with nine god damn kids?! Oh well. Back to Cosby Re Runs.