Mascots are for Creeps and Losers
Have you ever dazzled at the likes of a mascot jumping about all nimbly bimbly? If you have you’re a creep. Have you ever put a lot of thought into a mascot of a sports team and how much you enjoy their antics or their worth to your favorite team? If yes, you’re a loser.
I do not nor will I ever understand the fascination people have with mascots. Sure, I get it kids like goofy shit. But doesn’t mean there has to be goofy shit in sports. If your kid likes the mascot more than the game he probably won’t be an athlete. This phase of your life of looking forward to living your fat ass live vicureously through your son as a start student athlete is over. Give it 6 months they will be strapping on a head set right next to you diving into that bag of Cheetos smoking aliens with the SS 150 XL or whatever nerd blaster your jazzed up about these days.
I just don’t get it. As a kid I wanted to be Cal Ripken JR. not the fucking bird. The Red Sox didn’t have a mascot until some PR dink decided the team sucks so bad lets sell some more bull shit. Urique! The Green Monster. It’s a wall. Wally the Green Monster. Strap a big green dome on some poor slubs head and make him shag fly balls in the blistering sun of July and August.
That’s the other part I don’t get. They people that do this. On average the professional mascot ranging from minors to majors makes $20,000 - $60,000 a year. It take a certain kind of person to strap on that sweat trap every game and dance around like an asshole while 30,000 people point an laugh. I need a deep study on the mental stability of the humans inside mascot costumes. I assume they are all some form of Chaz Michael Michaels with Grublets on Ice, but who’s to say.
For some a scientific exploration into the subject check out “That’s Debatable: Mascots are for Creeps and Losers”